Are We Two-Faced?

That was my question to myself today. A friend called early this morning and asked me if she was really my friend. I was floored. Shouldn't have been because this lady is consistently straightforward and always speaks the truth. I admire that in her.

She's not the fake person who tells you what you want to hear or what's socially acceptable to say. Her question really got my gears grinding. In fact, it brought me to a screeching halt at work. I looked up the meaning of two-faced. I had to know. Was that me? Was I really her friend? I hem hawed around to answer her because it was a difficult question. The answer was yes. But what kind of friend? Not the kind that I went out with or on vacation with but the kind you laugh with enjoy most conversations with if you can handle that level of truth.

Reading an article on Psycologytoday.com convinced me that a lot of us are two-faced because we say we want one thing and actually want another. These were some of the examples the doctor used of double-minded thinking:

Just be yourself” vs. “Wow. That’s offensive.”

“Why can’t people just be honest?” vs. “Why can’t people just be nice?”

“Let the best man win” vs. “It better be me.”

Any of those sound familiar? They do to me. Basically, I interpreted his article to say that we people pleasers lie to ourselves and others. Why? Because we're not brave enough to tell the truth. So this is my moment to tell the truth. I am facing the last three years of my life. It's not pretty either.

My truth, did I fail or nail the last three years? Let the dissection begin. The year 2020 struck me hard with an illness that put me on meds for good. I hate meds! Not to mention the political controversy, COVID, and other life changing events. During that time, I ended up leaving my job of 12 years and the crazy started. I went to a job that was a living nightmare. And the age that was creeping up on me stood out against a young office.

Looking back, I was set on a new spiritual path. People talking about each other in a highly toxic environment, which is ironic given it was a waste company. In that job, I started to learn that I didn't get to have a dog in the fight. I had to learn to listen and stay neutral. I didn't nail it, but I tried.

Then the second month I was there I stepped on a staple at home that shot up into my heel and became infected. I couldn't concentrate at work when I couldn't put any pressure on one foot. I was limping around trying to act like everything was normal.

Eventually I couldn't deny the infection and ended up in the ER. They put me on two antibiotics but my foot had a red, heated spot still. I went to see my primary doc and she put me on a third antibiotic. Next, uncontrollable diarrhea ensued and my joints started to seize in unbelievable pain.

That made me the old person in the office wearing wraps on my ankles and knees while limping on one leg! One trip to a walk-in clinic discovered that I had C-diff. A digestive condition developed from too many antibiotics. Guess what it took to solve it? Yep, another antibiotic. After being fed up with the management style of the company, I quit that job a few weeks later.

It was all too much. I went through three more jobs until I started my current position. During this cycle, I became a Christian mentor, Bible group leader, started a new relationship, failed a new relationship, fled the relationship with a move to Tennessee, got homesick, and moved back to where I am. A flurry of knee jerk reactions that I'm facing now and trying to sort out. I don't know if I failed it or nailed it, but I will find my truth buried in it somewhere.