Eyes Fully Open, Day 29.

Captain's Log, Day 29. Right when I think I have my emotions where I want them, my hopes back up, and my memories in check, bam! I get sideswiped. I guess that's the clinical definition of the stages of grief playing out.

Last night I was lying in bed writing, the next minute my shoulders were shaking and I was continuously swiping tears off my face. This morning, I take the dog outside and I feel sadness settle in on my chest. An unexpected breakdown unleashes making the dog want to run and hide. Seriously, she slid away and crept around the corner of the garage and hid. She would be a terrible PTSD pet. Love her.

Apparently, that's how it works. One minute I'm humty, tum, tumming along in my new life and the next I'm sloppy crying like Ben Stiller in "Something About Mary". And I literally thought I had drained my tear ducts dry. No such luck.

According to Cleveland Clinic, "...grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us."

Their inclusive list was another reality punch in the gut:

A friend, family member, partner or pet.

A marriage, friendship or another form of kinship.

Your home, neighborhood or community.

Your job or career.

Financial stability.

A dream or goal.

Good health.

Your youth.

Fertility.

Geez, i'm grieving 6 out of 9 with the move and the break up! Holy smokes, how am I holding it together? They say grief comes in waves and that the accompanying emotions can shift like a kaleidoscope turning. I hope a prettier picture of my life surfaces after the next turn.

Sadly, at least I understand my process a little more now. I've left a lot behind and I'm not sure why. That's my biggest question, why? Why did I move? Why did we have to break up? Why did I choose to live in an isolated environment in Tennessee? Battling the emotions from these changes is an arduous struggle that I must prepare myself for on the spur of the moment. Without the why.

Until the next fight, I will do all the feel-good stuff therapists tell you to. Exercise, pursue hobbies (hence the blog), splurge on myself here and there, and pray like crazy that it all makes sense in the end. God, please help it all to make sense in the end!