Feeling Trust

You'd think by my age I'd have all this feeling stuff figured out. When to trust it, when to shut something down. All these years and mistakes later, I still waffle. At 24 I shut love down, and it created a vortex in my life.

I became harsher, unknowingly bitter, and a love scrooge. From that day forward it was easier to cut men out over the simplest flaws. Most were not dealbreakers. They were annoyances, at best. Why? Because deep down I didn't feel what I felt with my fiance at 24.

The rest of my life has been love fails. When you lose a love like that, nothing will ever measure up. To overcompensate, I started to give too many chances. I took too many risks desperately trying to recapture love.

Yet, I couldn't move forward when given an opportunity because I couldn't trust my feelings anymore. I felt something special once or twice, but was it love?

How do you trust your feelings? For me, it's a total blackout. I have to shut down and work on me. It's like erasing a blackboard. Preparing a clean slate to write a new chapter. Do things I enjoy, pursue my dreams. Then, when a possible love interest walks onto the set I have a clear head to feel my own heartbeat and figure out if the man really stands out.

By no means do I have it all figured out. I'm just winging it like everyone else. I'm still relying heavily on Van Halen's lyrics about when it's love, "Nothing's missing".