Moved

I did it. I don't know how but I mustered the strength to tear myself away from my son. I'm the one who drug him from his hometown and convinced him to move closer to Nashville. Yet, I couldn't handle starting over and he is knocking it out of the park.

I warned him in January that I was putting in for a new job back home and that I would be going back. He dug his heels in that he was staying in Tennessee and I dug mine in that I was going back. And here we are. Completely separated with miles dividing us from daily hugs.

Yesterday, I cried off and on during the 6 hour and 15 minute drive back down south. Guilt, shame, loss streaked my face in the liquid form of salty tears. I finally arrived, unpacked some, and went to the store. Returned to the house and fell apart. I felt like scoop by scoop someone was dredging out my insides like a pumpkin.

Later, the grief felt different. More like someone was ripping at my chest tearing my body in half. Like I could feel someone stripping my purpose off of me. Stealing my memories of raising him. Emptying my future of hugs, smiles, cheek kisses, and movie nights.

I'm telling you, I thought I would drown in my snotty wails yesterday. As Mother's Day approaches, hats off to mothers facing the loss of their child in one way or another. I cry with you and pray that you find a way to survive. Being a mother has made you strong and capable. Celebrate that. Find a way to use your new skill set and make a difference in the world. I know you have something valuable to offer the rest of us.